The messy middle

(Authors note: We’ve managed to hold onto power and water since last week (YAY!), but lost our hot water heater :(. So my apologies for being a little late to this post today, the replacement is being installed today!)

I read a lot of personal development and leadership books. Now it’s to enhance my skills. But that wasn’t always the case. When I was younger, I struggled knowing how to talk to people about my work, how to have hard conversations, and how to advocate for myself. I’ve found these books, and the stories about other people’s lives, instructive.

In the latest book the author makes the decision to move home after his friend pointed out that he had roughly 15 more visits with his aging parents. Now this friend couldn’t see the future of course, but they did some quick math. The author’s parents were in their mid-sixties, and he visited with them once per year. So, assuming they lived to around 80 (the average life expectancy in the US) he had roughly 15 more visits with them if he continued with his current visiting schedule. This observation prompted some reflection by the author about his current life and the kind of life he wanted.

The book starts after this decision and is about how to build a “dream life”. In particular, he talks about the importance of balancing five kinds of wealth (time, social, mental, physical, financial). Within this framework he provides numerous exercises and questions to help readers figure out what that balance should look like in their own lives. He’s a good writer, the people he interviews are incredible entrepreneurs and business leaders from across sectors, and as best as I can tell the recommendations being made are science based.

So, what is my problem with this book, and frankly many others like this one? These authors have already won (made the change, built their dream life, got the money etc…). The books miss the “messy middle”. The parts of the story where they doubted themselves, when plans changed, when they disappointed people around them, when other people talked behind their backs for giving up a life that seemed perfect. These books are backward looking. The authors have reached a place of stability, have gained some insight, and are now sharing that newly found wisdom with you.

I understand that this is part of storytelling. No one wants to read a story that jumps all over the place. That’s annoying. Our brains crave certainty. I want to KNOW that if I make this change, use this tool, or engage in this practice my life will be better. But not all changes, tools, or practices will work for me (believe me I’ve tried a lot of them – hello email folders 😑). Furthermore, when you are in the midst of making that change reading something that skips the middle steps of how hard change is can feel unhelpful.

So now what?

I’m not going to stop reading these books. But I do read them with a more discerning eye. These books are buffets, where I can pick and choose the pieces that make sense to me. In practice this means I often ask myself this series of questions:

About the advice:

Does it matter to me?

Do I think it could help me?

Can it be integrated into my life?

About the author:

How does who they are matter to the story?

Do they have resources or experiences I don’t have?

And finally: Can the advice be adapted to fit my life and circumstances?

So how does these questions work in practice. Let’s use some common personal development advice: time blocking for productivity. Does productivity matter to me? Yes. So, time blocking might be an option for me to try. Do I think it can help me? Yes. I know that finding ways to get through my to do list more efficiently would be helpful. Can time blocking be integrated into my life? Yes. I live and die by my calendar, so adjusting how I schedule things therein shouldn’t be too difficult. Does the author of this advice matter to the advice? Not in this case. Does the author have resources I don’t have? No. Finally, can the advice be adapted to fit my life and circumstances? Yes. I build in some flexibility as other needs arise.

Another example: writing out your goals and all the steps you will take to achieve them. Does this kind of goal setting matter to me? No. So there is no sense in advancing through the remaining questions.

I believe there is always something to learn, but it just might not be what the author intends.

Want some help with integrating personal development advice in your life? Let me know Meagen.rosenthal@gmail.com.

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